I Had a Baby, I Had a Blessing

Children are a blessing from Allah, I don't think there is a Muslim in the world that can argue against that. I've been told that "it takes a village to raise a child" and when a woman has a child the whole community comes together for the new baby and mom. I had a baby, a blessing that adds joy to our family each and every day but I have no one to share that joy with. Everyone thinks their child is special, I'm no different...mash Allah my little boy is amazing and I'm so in love. His sisters love him, his dad adores him and when I think about his future I can't help but be filled with joy. So why is it so hard for other women in my community to be happy for me? Complete and utter strangers have no problem striking up a conversation with me and congratulating me on my little guy. Muslims stare, look straight through me, and the ones that will talk to me act like they don't notice the baby in this massive heavy car seat that occasionally gets lugged around. Three people from my kids' school have actually said something about my baby to me, this can't be normal, after all it's the "religious" Muslims that send their kids to the Islamic school. Don't they know children are a blessing? Or are children only a blessing when certain people have them?

I know this is partly my fault for thinking about someone else's feelings, but here it goes. I had a "friend" who I met at my kids school 2.5 years ago. When I found out I was pregnant she was the first friend I excitedly told. Her first reaction was not congratulations, but "I thought you didn't want anymore kids". I was a little put off by that comment as whenever someone else fell pregnant she always acted happy for them. I have no idea why it was different for me. A couple of weeks after I told her that I was pregnant she told me she was pregnant too. I congratulated her. Then a week later she tells me she was never pregnant and never took a test, I thought it was odd, but hey we all do things differently. A few more weeks passed by and I receive a call that this woman had a miscarriage (not with the non pregnancy, but a separate one). I'm sorry but something inside me was just telling me that she was lying. All the details didn't make sense, time wise, date of baby, what it's like to actually go through a miscarriage. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, I told her how sorry I was for her. By the time I had my son I decided that if she had in fact had a miscarriage it would be best to just wait and let her call me. I didn't want to upset her. She knew I was pregnant, she knew how far along I was and she knew I had complications. It was 3 weeks before she called, I missed that call, but didn't notice until the next day. Since she was working I sent her a text asking how she was doing and didn't hear back for five days. When she responded with a text she never asked about baby, and instead was going on about how her kids missed my kids and how they wanted to talk to them. It's odd because her kids started going to a different school more than a year ago and they never missed my kids. We've had the kids together after school before and all her kids do is whine or act miserable. My response to the text was "yea maybe later then" (stupid response on my part). A few days later I received another text from her asking if anyone I knew needed a double stroller. It was at this time I decided that this is a friend I can do without, I didn't answer that text and have no intention of ever doing so, I hope she gets the message (pun intended).

I've become really sensitive about people not caring that I've had a baby, the hypocrites that cry how having a tonne of children is a gift, about what a celebratory time it is and seeing people literally turn their back towards me all adds to the moments of baby blues. I swear if it weren't for my husband right now I would be an emotional wreck. 

First Day of School...Ramblings

As the public schools in BC remain on strike, yesterday was officially the first day of school for us. I didn't go with my kids yesterday as I woke up at 4:30 am and could not go back to sleep no matter how hard I tried. By the time 8:00 am rolled around I was too tired to move and had my husband take the kids to school, it was rainy, miserable type weather that only made me sleepier. Today though, I did take my kids to school, briefly met my oldest daughter's teacher and saw the usual faces. I have to admit driving into the school I could feel my stomach sink, I already knew what to expect, and I wasn't wrong....many unfriendly faces and people who only say "hi" to me when they are alone, now ignoring me. I'm really tired of the parents here, so unfriendly and some down right nasty. I'm sick of the fakeness that exists within these people's personalities, but what can I do? Nothing, absolutely nothing.

My kids love this school, I love this school. So far the teachers have been great and my kids come home happy telling me all the things they have learnt for the day. But every year I hold out some hope that there will be a mom like me, or not like me that accepts me and my non scarf wearing head. I've learnt to be picky when choosing friends, your friends represent pieces of who you are and I've come to respect myself enough to not put up with such people, Muslim or otherwise.

I have to say now that both my kids are in school full time, I have no idea of what to do with my days. I've been cleaning and organizing, decorating the baby's room and trying to exercise a bit, but after all is done, I'm bored. If I weren't so pregnant right now I think I'd be looking for a job, even though I'm not looking for a job right now, it's been on my mind. I think I'm craving social interaction more than I am a paycheck, although getting paid would help a lot. It's been five years since we last had a baby in the house and it's crazy how much you forget, all the things you need and what you don't. This is the first time my husband and I are on our own with buying baby things, it's kind of empowering, but kind of nerve racking at the same time. Before my mom helped out a bit and I had a loving grandma who had happily sent us clothing (may Allah SWT bless her in the next life). Now we are doing it alone and that's OK too, lots of people manage and so can we.

Ramadan Emotions

I've been feeling pretty down today, I'm guessing it's a mix of pregnancy hormones and situations that exacerbate those pregnancy hormones. This pregnancy has been rough, people have died, family has been strained and aside from the people underneath our roof, I haven't found too many people that are happy I'm carrying this little life inside me. Maybe Muslims just have too many kids and no one cares, this is our third baby inshAllah and maybe this is just normal. I really wanted this pregnancy to be enjoyable and peaceful, it's been a struggle but mashAllah through most of it I've remained pretty calm. Today though, I just can't wait any longer for October, I want nothing more than a healthy baby in my arms inshAllah.

Sometimes it's the small things that cause the biggest emotions. Today I picked up my daughter early from school, being that it's a Friday I wanted to go before the Mosque parking lot got too busy. Seeing more cars there already brought on the reality that I don't feel welcome in the Mosque, despite wanting to attend, I know there will be something that will upset me, someone will do something that I mentioned on that list from yesterday causing me to be angry. The last time I prayed at this Mosque, it was a games day. It was disappointing, just because my husband was volunteering for the event I was accused of cheating. I swear I still to this day cannot use the dishes that I won and will be selling them at the next garage sale. Women in the prayer area were talking throughout the khutba and everyone was in their own cultural group. The few people who talked to me asked me all about me and for my phone number, they never called and I honestly felt so emotionally violated. The truly sad thing is that none of those women knew that this was my first time in that Mosque and they pushed me away for the foreseeable future. Things rarely change in the Muslim community here and every time I feel sad about being the black sheep I try to remind myself that I'm really not missing out on anything good. Islamic education can be found in books and while cautiously looking online. The only thing I'm missing out on, and I assume I'm not alone here is the real felling of sisterhood, if in fact it does exist.

Ramadan has always been a difficult time for me. Not the physical aspect, but the emotional aspect. When I became Muslim I was young, my husband was young and we were both working very long hours. I had two jobs during one of those Ramadans leaving me little time to think about breaking my fast with other Muslims, attending taraweeh prayers or involving myself in any halaqas. Most of the time I was either working, on a bus going to and from work or too tired to think about anything but sleep. Breaking my fast consisted of me going to the mall to get some real fruit bubble tea and a bagel. My husband had his own work schedule and we didn't see too much of each other during that Ramadan. It wasn't until after my first couple of Ramadans that I started to wonder why if community iftars and attending taraweeh are so important, then why was I never invited to these things? I still ask myself this question, especially during Ramadan, most of the time I try not to think about it, because it does get me down, I'm not one of those A personalities that pushes my way in no matter what people think....although sometimes I wish I had that strength.

I don't know what makes me different, I've seen some new Muslims be welcomed with open arms, but for me, since day one I have always had this feeling of being pushed away. I'm guessing by now though, I'm just damaged goods, so to speak. Despite feeling down about Ramadan right now, and knowing I'll be spending it alone I'll be inshAllah working on a lot of taqwa building activities. InshAllah I really pray that this month of mercy will show me mercy and will benefit all Muslims around the world. May Allah SWT forgive me and the woman whose reaction to me today brought about this post. Ameen.

...I'm Back, InshAllah....I promise

The last post I wrote was not my shinning moment. That was a pretty low point in my life, I wish I could tell you that everything has turned around, but it hasn't. I truly appreciate all the comments, words of care, concern and understanding more than you'll ever know. I'm going to keep going with this blog, it's been on my mind for a while, but I wasn't sure where to begin or if I should start a new blog under a new name...I guess we all now know which decision I made.

This past year has had it's ups and downs, but everything was amplified, so the bad was really bad and the good was really good...unimaginable. My husband's family is suffering, but still they are the lucky ones, knowing people who have died, disappeared and hearing the booming sound of attacks near by. But still, they have food and heat most days. No other country but Sweden will accept Syrian refugees, Germany has given at least some half assed attempt and offered a temporary solution. My country, Canada says it will take in 1300 Syrians by the end of 2014. A pitiful number for a country that takes in Filipinos at a rapid rate to work at Tim Hortons'. So who are these refugees Canada will be taking in? Certainly not anyone in my husband's family, they are taking in only the most needy. At risk minorities like Christians, rich Damascenes from areas like Malki where the president lives, and maybe, possibly a family living in a refugee camp, for a nice front page piece in the Vancouver Sun. The world has turned it's back on Syria and only in the future will people realize what a terrible thing they turned a blind eye to. Maybe they'll make a short film that will go viral on youtube and call it "Assad 2020".

Last spring I was blessed and given the opportunity to go on umrah. A few of my husband's family are living in Saudi right now, including my mother in law and two brother in laws. My father in law was living in Saudi at the time, but has unfortunately been stuck in Syria for the past week, unable to leave because he is expected to return to the army....at 60 years old. We are all praying the Syrian government will let him leave safely. Saudi was a lot of things, it was wonderful, hot, interesting, sad, amazing, awe inspiring and many times I was left speechless. We stayed in Medina, across the street from my in laws and only a 20 minute walk to Medina an Nabawi. Medina taught me a lot of things and for me personally, if there was one thing I really learned was that the sahaba were in so many ways just like many of us. They were regular people living in a terrible time, Islam came to them, and changed them. These people were willing to change their old ways, ingrained cultural habits that were haram became abandoned, the sahaba were always learning, they weren't perfect, but they had a great amount of faith.

Now that my oldest began kindergarten in the Islamic school, I'm forced to face other Muslims more often, and I do, usually with a lot of anxiety. The first week of school there was some woman who just couldn't stop scawling at me. She'd look me up and down in front of my four year old as we waited for my older child and gave me the dirtiest looks. The last time anyone gave me this kind of look was when my eldest was in a regular run of the mill preschool and this old Christian woman looked at me this same way in disgust. That time with the Christian woman I was wearing my hijab, this time with the Muslim woman I was not, these types of people are all the same and can't stand anyone different. This, along with a few other unwelcome stares and unfriendly faces has made me hate picking up my daughter. I wish I didn't care what other people thought of me, I try not to care, I tell myself that these people aren't worth the stress. But when I walk onto the school grounds I sometimes get nervous, I sometimes stumble or do something clumsy....worst of all I develop a stutter....good thing on most days no one talks to me and thank God my husband has the kind of job where he can pick up our daughter from school more then every other day. Despite all my grievances I do like the school, I actually like it much more than I thought I would and I have to say my daughter has a really good teacher. I don't expect much, if anything to change with me and most other Muslims, I figure if things would have changed, it would have happened a long time ago.