I've been feeling pretty down today, I'm guessing it's a mix of pregnancy hormones and situations that exacerbate those pregnancy hormones. This pregnancy has been rough, people have died, family has been strained and aside from the people underneath our roof, I haven't found too many people that are happy I'm carrying this little life inside me. Maybe Muslims just have too many kids and no one cares, this is our third baby inshAllah and maybe this is just normal. I really wanted this pregnancy to be enjoyable and peaceful, it's been a struggle but mashAllah through most of it I've remained pretty calm. Today though, I just can't wait any longer for October, I want nothing more than a healthy baby in my arms inshAllah.
Sometimes it's the small things that cause the biggest emotions. Today I picked up my daughter early from school, being that it's a Friday I wanted to go before the Mosque parking lot got too busy. Seeing more cars there already brought on the reality that I don't feel welcome in the Mosque, despite wanting to attend, I know there will be something that will upset me, someone will do something that I mentioned on that list from yesterday causing me to be angry. The last time I prayed at this Mosque, it was a games day. It was disappointing, just because my husband was volunteering for the event I was accused of cheating. I swear I still to this day cannot use the dishes that I won and will be selling them at the next garage sale. Women in the prayer area were talking throughout the khutba and everyone was in their own cultural group. The few people who talked to me asked me all about me and for my phone number, they never called and I honestly felt so emotionally violated. The truly sad thing is that none of those women knew that this was my first time in that Mosque and they pushed me away for the foreseeable future. Things rarely change in the Muslim community here and every time I feel sad about being the black sheep I try to remind myself that I'm really not missing out on anything good. Islamic education can be found in books and while cautiously looking online. The only thing I'm missing out on, and I assume I'm not alone here is the real felling of sisterhood, if in fact it does exist.
Ramadan has always been a difficult time for me. Not the physical aspect, but the emotional aspect. When I became Muslim I was young, my husband was young and we were both working very long hours. I had two jobs during one of those Ramadans leaving me little time to think about breaking my fast with other Muslims, attending taraweeh prayers or involving myself in any halaqas. Most of the time I was either working, on a bus going to and from work or too tired to think about anything but sleep. Breaking my fast consisted of me going to the mall to get some real fruit bubble tea and a bagel. My husband had his own work schedule and we didn't see too much of each other during that Ramadan. It wasn't until after my first couple of Ramadans that I started to wonder why if community iftars and attending taraweeh are so important, then why was I never invited to these things? I still ask myself this question, especially during Ramadan, most of the time I try not to think about it, because it does get me down, I'm not one of those A personalities that pushes my way in no matter what people think....although sometimes I wish I had that strength.
I don't know what makes me different, I've seen some new Muslims be welcomed with open arms, but for me, since day one I have always had this feeling of being pushed away. I'm guessing by now though, I'm just damaged goods, so to speak. Despite feeling down about Ramadan right now, and knowing I'll be spending it alone I'll be inshAllah working on a lot of taqwa building activities. InshAllah I really pray that this month of mercy will show me mercy and will benefit all Muslims around the world. May Allah SWT forgive me and the woman whose reaction to me today brought about this post. Ameen.