I'm sure no one remembers who I am and that's OK none of you ever befriended me anyways. Maybe it was my strong objection to conforming to the stereotypical, "life never gets to me Muslim", or maybe it was because I'm not of your culture, or maybe it's because I'm not a new Muslim...I'm damaged goods and people like me are too late to save. It could also be because I've figured out that overly religious appearing people are usually not that religious, and that's how you like to act......oh yea I've figured you out, if you are so religious why didn't anyone help me when I needed it?!?!?!??!
My imam is at an all time low, my plans and hopes have gone down the toilet. Ideas for the mosque were trampled on, spit on and forever forgotten by old cultural men that run every aspect of the Muslim community here. I was let down time and time again, the one time I asked for help everyone disappeared, the help wasn't for me, but for the people in Syria. It's disgusting how materialistic people are but they can't throw $1 towards people who are suffering unless it's Ramadan.
I gave up wearing my head scarf last February. Yea say what you will, assume the worst of me, gossip about me and degrade me. After all, that's what people here did, I'm no longer welcome in the Muslim community, I was removed from all 5 of the community events email lists by someone who happily had some stranger pay off their credit card debt. Ain't that great. All I did was remove a 3 foot piece of cloth from my head, I didn't deny what I was doing was wrong, I didn't convert to another religion, I didn't cheat on my husband and I sure didn't kill anyone. Now if I belonged to one of the major cultural Muslim groups here, I could gamble, lie, cheat and steal and still be considered a Muslim, you might even want to help me improve my life. I'm white, I chose Islam and you've expected nothing but the best from me, despite being human, I'm not allowed to make mistakes, I must fall in line!
Tell me oh righteous and religious people of the world, where do you get off treating people like this? Excluding your "sister" in Islam......btw that word is severely abused. Shameful. Disgusting. You isolate people, dawa is not just for the non Muslims. As much as I worry for myself on the day of judgement I worry for the people who stand there as hypocrites and push others further and further from Islam.
Oh dear, I feel so sad for you reading this. I feel sad because I, like you, am a white Muslim convert and because I, like you, have been shamed and rejected for my honest story of my struggles as a Muslim. I wish I was where you are so we could sit and have some tea and share our burdens and joys with one another. I respect you for maintaining your faith to the best of your ability. There was a time not too long ago (a few months ago) that I attempted suicide, even and was really not sure I wanted to remain Muslim. Alhamdulillah Allah heard my cry and gave me relief, just in time. In the end, no matter how much I get bogged down by all the religious dogma and splitting hairs and all that, I know for sure there is only one God and he isn't Jesus (peace be upon him) or anyone else and when I remember the reason I converted, it was that truth alone: no one deserves my worship but God, period. I cannot stop being a Muslim because I know deep down that He is all there is, all that will last.
ReplyDeleteCultural old men running the show is old news, and it stinks, bad. Like running shoes, wet, left in the hot sun. That kinda stank don't go away for awhile. They are more dedicated to their vision of their business than to pure Islam. Allah will deal with them. I ask Allah to give you the relief you need and to introduce sisters into your life who will listen and understand. Regarding removing the hijab, I respect you for stating the facts: you took it off, you know it's wrong, but it doesn't make you a non-Muslim. I know sisters in niqab who have no modesty. That being said, faith begets faith and when we make one choice, regularly, no matter how small, it is more blessing for us than making a huge change rarely. For me,, beginning to read quran little by little by little daily for a while was what brought my faith back up. It is really a medicine for the diseased heart, and when we desire aside from what Allah wants for us (because he knows what is best), this is a sign of a diseased heart. Do whatever small things you can to bring up your faith, even if it is sitting alone and talking openly with God about what is in your heart. I love you for the sake of Allah and I can tell you, if it weren't for some true, true sisters in Islam, I would have died a few months ago, and gone to hellfire. These perfect strangers I found through blogs took me and my children into their homes and helped us start a new life and I am forever grateful to them, may Allah reward them.
I have so much more I could say to this, as I was a brand new Muslim when I married my husband,an Egyptian imam in NYC, and was suddenly forced to be the example to a bunch of arab ladies who had preconceived notions of me AND forced to be the quintessential arab wife cooking arab food blah blah blah. my faith went doooowwwwnnnn fast. But you wake up the next day and you beg God to get you through the day and you think as positively as you can muster and you remember why you made the choice to be Muslim and that God has not changed and will not, and that he said he is as we see him. so see him as loving and pleased with you and wanting the very best for you, and he will be that, inshallah.
Asalamu alaikum,
ReplyDeleteI read almost every blog post of every blog I follow. I very, very, very rarely comment, I am very shy and many times don't have anything particularly helpful to say, other than that I will pray for someone. But I do read, and really truely pray for people that I follow, who are having difficulties in life.
I remember when you were in Syria, and things there started to get bad. More than a year has passed, and things are worse there everyday. I thank Allah(swt) that you got out when you did. While you were there I prayed for you and your family to leave safely before it got worse. I have read about your difficulties within your community, and I keep praying for you. I live on the other side of the world, and I know there is nothing I can do that will help will those difficulties and the stress you must have.
I want to let you know that I do understand how difficult it is to be surrounded by people who are Muslim only by birth and by tongue rather than heart and mind. They expect more from you than they do anyone else, and though you want to help they just throw what you say out the window.
I will keep praying for you, and though I have only words, I hope this will help you.
Asalaamu Alaikum
ReplyDeleteI have thought about you the whole time you stopped blogging. I thought wow she must be really super busy at the mosque with all the activities she came up with and has no time for the likes of us, lol. I had no idea it was the opposite as I had so much hope for you. I live in the same type of community as you and even worse we have no imam and they don't want one so they can continue doing the same old thing. No dawah unless asked, no classes for converts, no acitivities unless they are food-related or paid for by the gov't. Well except for taraweeh I guess. sigh. I've been Muslim for 21 yrs and I get so tired of the community, not only their lack of activities but their lack of kindness. Have you ever had someone yell at you while having a miscarriage? I've had several. Just when I think they had sunk to their lowest it gets worse. I am always praying to get out of here and be in a good community with good people but Allah must have a reason for me to be here but I can't see it. I keep being patient and it is surely hard. I guess this is the test for converts. We aren't experiencing war,drought, famine etc I just finished reading A Thousand Farewells so that is really at the top of my mind right now. Here we live in comfort but we experience frustration, discrimnation from both sides,abuse from both sides and for me the worst is the severe loneliness. We lose all our friends and family and can't replace them with anyone. No one wants us. We are the untouchables to everyone. How do I stay sane? I bring cookies to the neighbour who called me Paki. I keep going to the mosque no matter how they treat me. I keep going to my arabic classes no matter how my teacher treats me. People may hate us but Allah loves us and we have to keep showing our love for him. Life is a test and Allah tests those he loves best. May you be in the company of the righteous in this life and the hereafter. Amin.
Hugs! I'm so sorry for your hurting heart.
ReplyDeletesalam aleykum sister
ReplyDeletesorry to hear your mistreated. Have you been blogging under the name syriaandbeyond before?
wasalam
Asalaam alaikum Stacey, I stopped Blogging for a while and I don't remember if you're the same Stacey I remember from before? Stacey Fahiima? I'm really embarrassed if I have the wrong person... I am Aalia before I was Chasing Jannah and before I had a smear Blog written about me, I was pretty respected by the majority of Muslims of course, until i spoke out against the way the local community was run on my Blog. After than, i got Anonymous comments and death threats by these so-called Muslim Sisters and went underground for a bit. When I actually arrived back in the city, I was spied on and rumours went around that I had left Islam and it was allowed to harm or kill me.
ReplyDeleteI understand why you took of your headscarf -- who would wanna identify with a group of people that go against what Islam is??
If you need anything, or wanna talk I am a good listener just leave a comment on my Blog with an email where i can reach u at, I won't let the comment be published.
I am praying for u and thinking about your situation, it really touched me *_*
Fii aman illah <3
Wow it's been a long time since i've read any blogs and it's amazing to come back and this is the first thing i read. My sentiments EXACTLY with EVERYTHING you have said about Muslim communities and most seemingly "religious" people. They are fakes. Hypocrites. It's all about the superficial for them. The racism, the chronic arrogance, the severe gossip and slander and suspicion-i'm really looking forward to just hanging out with normal people from now on lol. I'm finished with Muslims-i can't hardly stand them, save a few good ones here and there.
ReplyDeleteI've also removed my hijab and i have realized, year after year, that it IS better for my emaan if i stay AWAY from the Muslims. It's unfortunate but it is what it is. I really hope that things get better for you :)
@A
ReplyDelete"I understand why you took of your headscarf -- who would wanna identify with a group of people that go against what Islam is?? "
Your so right...
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Salaam alaikom sister. I know you haven't blogged in awhile, but I hope you're doing ok :)
ReplyDeleteAslaamu Alaikum
ReplyDeleteSo many spammers on your blog now! Come back sister. I wanted to tell you about something I've started in my community. Have you heard of Mercy Mission? One of their branches is an organization called New Muslim Care. I have started a chapter where I live. Perhaps you can do that too! We have to be proactive. New Muslim Care provides islamic learning,socialization and a muslim buddy. Please check it out.